its me in the pink shirt

bit upset right now. i dont know why i cant controll myself anymore. i used to be sooo good at it. i miss being happy after a weigh in, i miss seeing my hipbones and being satisfied. i want it so badly, exept i think to myself, you dont need this, so i eat. then i want to kill myself after. why do i do this to myself? why cant i keep it under controll?

I just had a really bad binge. I dont know why i felt like i deserved to eat. today jsut isnt my day. i had a bowl of veggies and soy sauce, then a huge bowl of cereal and milk. and that was after my dinner of soup. i feel so fat. wait...i am sooo fat. gah. maybe tomarrow will be better. no, what am i saying, tomarrow WILL be better. i plan to do a coffee and juice fast. hopefully i can go thought the whole day without problems.

Ive been reading on here for about a week. I used to b e a member on the pro ana website Behind These Eyes, but sadly it was shut down. I love being in a community for support and help, so I decided to join here.

My stats are


Age: 18
Height: 5'6
HW: 125
LW: 100
CW: 113
GW 1: 108
UGW: 100

I try to keep around a 600 cal day. i go for about 200 cal per meal time. I am very bad about doing a tiny binge every night around 9pm, so im really working hard to not be tempted after dinner. I wouldn't really call it a binge, its more like a snack i could go without.

Today is going to be hard, its a snow day and im stuck in my apt all day with nothing to do. hopefully i can fast today, and hopefully i wont eat for boredom.

GAH!!!!!!!!!! I have anti pro anas. they jsut shut down my favorite site that had been keeping me strong for soo long. its very frusterating right now to keep on track wihtout my freinds there. So i had been down to about 112, and i was doing really great. I felt great. Then my roomate started being a bitch and someone shut down BTE, so i am currently a mess. I am now determined to get back on track. So, new plan for this week.

Keep it below 200 cal for brekkie
No more half PB&J for lunch
NO after dinner binge.

hopefully fallowing that for a week will get me back where i want to be. plus durin g lunch i am going to get into an empty studio and practice the hardest variation i know at least 3 times full out. so i can get some extra excersize in.